


I'm Only Human

by jack-of-alltrades (bumblebeeJacky)



Category: Banana Bus Squad, The Misfits (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Couch Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, evan is basically smii7y's older brother, heavily referencing Human by Christina Perri tbh, thats a tag on its own, they are a family and you cant change my mind, uh, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 23:45:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18271526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bumblebeeJacky/pseuds/jack-of-alltrades
Summary: Jaren would often wake up time and time again from these nightmares. When was the last time he’d gotten a full night’s sleep? He couldn’t quite remember. All he remembered was how he’d time and time again hold off on appearing online until it was a more regular time. He was getting sick of playing offline games for hours on end waiting, waiting, waiting until it was a more normal time in the day to wake up and ask them to play.





	I'm Only Human

_I can hold my breath, I can bite my tongue_

Jaren was a strong guy. He was smart, he was kind, he was always so giggly and smiley and helpful with all his friends. He was sweet, supportive, always tried to be there for his friends. He was delightful, always laughing or chatting away to his friends and brightening days he didn’t even know were dark. Smii7y was the start of the sunrise, waking up to see your pet curled up by or on you, TV shows playing softly in the background as you relaxed on the couch or laid on the ground by a crackling fireplace.

_I can stay awake for days if that’s what you want, be your number one_

But sometimes, he was nothing more than tired days refusing any and all contact with his friends – cold, lonely self isolation until he managed to make himself feel better and find his motivation back to get things done. He’d gotten surprisingly snappy a few times, making it almost impossible to record with him at all which pushed him back into his cold, lonely isolation until a knock on his door had his brows furrowing. He opted to pretend he wasn’t home or didn’t hear a thing – maybe if it was silent long enough without an answer, they’d go away. A minute passed. Mid-way into bringing his spoon of cereal up to his mouth, another knock sounded and curiosity led him over to the door with his cereal bowl to peer through the curtains only to see familiar faces.

_I can fake a smile_

It made him cringe, especially with the blatant staring of one of them at the window where he was. He could hide from them all he wanted, but not him – he already knew Jaren was home, what was the point of hiding? He wanted to, but then his knuckles rapped against the window and a chill went up his spine as their friends gave the blond a confused look before they realized, glanced over and he could pretend he wasn’t there all he wanted, but slipping in his attempt to hide away was unexpected, causing him to fall with a shout, a crash of the bowl hitting the ground as the cereal and milk _covered_ him.

_I can force a laugh_

A long silence followed, and then that familiar soft voice asking if he was okay from outside the door. Another long minute, and the lock clicked, the door opened to Jaren in a t-shirt and baggy PJ pants, clearly soaked and covered with his milk and cereal, the bowl behind him on the ground.

_I can dance and play the part if that’s what you ask, give you all I am_

It only took a brief suggestion of, _why don’t we clean this up and you go shower?_ And Jaren leapt at the opportunity to escape and clean up his messy appearance. He was in there a little over half an hour, but that was fine – they’d been in his home many times before, it just gave them more time to clean up the mess and softly discuss why Smii7y looked so… So _down_ and _out of place_ in his own home.

_I can do it, I can do it, I can do it…_

Magic would be no help, and they weren’t _sure_ if taking him out to have some fun would help either, but that’s what they did, finding themselves walking around a park as a group chatting away about this or that or making jokes that probably shouldn’t have been said in public, but since when did the misfits care about that? Sometime during their walk as a group, John noticed Jaren had stayed silent the whole time, drifting along with them. Sometime during their walk, Jaren tripped over something when he was looking up and they heard the surprised shout and the _thud_ as his body hit the pavement. His palms and knees were scratched up, a little bloodied from the fall, but he seemed to either not mind or not notice as he asked why they stopped.

_But I’m only human, and I bleed when I fall down_

He wasn’t doing _good_. Not even _close_ to good, really. He was crashing and burning within his own mind, trapped with thoughts he couldn’t shake and a knowledge that compared to these literally _magical_ people he surrounded himself with, _himself_ , someone who had _no_ magic, no hidden talents – just a knack for unnecessary prediction and bursts of luck. What good was he? What did _he_ bring to the table that made him worth being around people like the Misfits, like _John_?

_I’m only human, and I crash and I break down_

His dreams were cruel to him, unforgiving – visions of Cameron, Mason, Jay, Swagger, John and everyone else surrounding him, heartless words dripping with poison from lips that would normally never say such things and if they did, they made it clear they all knew it was a joke. But it hit him hard, to see the faces he knew and loved so much turning against him, leaving him without anything that made his life worth _living_.

_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

Jaren would often wake up time and time again from these nightmares. When was the last time he’d gotten a full night’s sleep? He couldn’t quite remember. All he remembered was how he’d time and time again hold off on appearing online until it was a more regular time. He was getting sick of playing offline games for hours on end waiting, waiting, waiting until it was a more normal time in the day to wake up and ask them to play.

_You build me up and then I fall apart ‘cause I’m only human, yeah_

He did appear online late into the night once, though. Rattled from his dreams, sweat soaked skin and clothes sending constant chills down his spine in the winter air, but he didn’t get up, he didn’t close the window, and he didn’t turn everything to offline before he was starting up a game of Red Dead Redemption. It wasn’t as fun without everyone else, but he’d make do. Until a message popped up in the corner and he stopped doing anything, stared at it.

_I can turn it on, be a good machine_

**_What are you doing up, J?_** He was understandably slow to respond – to even consider responding, but he never let John hang before and he wasn’t about to now no matter what his brain told him. **_Gross brain wouldn’t stop thinking._** God, how John was so special to him, so talented with his silent understanding and his history of the same problems. **_Mind if I join, pardner?_** Absolutely.

_I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need_

They started up a Discord voice chat, no sign of the sun outside his window at the late hour of 1 AM, but he and John played for hours, occasionally cracking stupid jokes and laughing with no cares in the world. Soon, the sun was rising and a few of their friends popped in to see how things were doing. John either didn’t notice how silent Jaren got, or he simply didn’t want to comment.

_Be your everything_

When he cracked at long last, when he saw how bad the comments on his newest video was, the lack of good responses to his dumb meme and milk jokes and his friends and his gaming choice and even his _voice_ , he ran. He didn’t grab anything other than his keys and his phone, locked the door behind him, bolted down the street. Ran, ran, ran, snow crunching under his sneakers, chills down his spine, cold air biting at his exposed arms from the T-shirt he wore.

_I can take so much until I’ve had enough_

Evan’s face was a welcomed sight, but he was sure the other Canadian was very pleased to see his little brother-esque friend at his door at eight AM in his pjs and sneakers. He was ushered inside, wrapped up in a blanket, melted as Evan’s cat decided his lap was the perfect spot. They didn’t talk for a long time, Evan staring the younger man down on the adjacent couch until Jaren finally picked up the hot cocoa he set in front of him, couldn’t resist the pleased sigh as the drink warmed him from the inside. He and John consistently went back and forth between the Misfits and the Banana Bus Squad – no one minded, they chose who their friends were, no on else. The two Canadians got along well, teaming up usually with goofy grins, brotherly affection and terrible jokes, but they’d always go running back to their significant others at the end of the day. The brothers couldn’t resist who their hearts called for, but Jaren still kind of… _Really_ treasured time spent with his brother. _I had a dream_ , he’d whisper under his breath.

_I’m only human, and I bleed when I fall down_

Evan would stare at him before getting up, moving to the couch he was on and sitting right beside him. _They said everything the comments said. I couldn’t get away_. An arm wrapped around his shoulders. Jaren slumped against him, set the hot cocoa cup on the coffee table as the cat purred away in his lap. _They wouldn’t stop – I could never make them happy. They wouldn’t stop, Ev_. **_I know_**. A surprised look up at him – VanossGaming, who held his emotions close to his chest, never really let on that he wasn’t doing so well unless it effected his recording ability. **_It’s rough. But we’re human, it happens, Smii7y. Just… Don’t hang onto it, okay? They’re just dreams._**

_I’m only human, and I crash and I break down_

Jaren reached his arms out, wrapped them around Evan’s waist as he hugged him tight, felt the embrace returned immediately. He whined loudly when Evan went to move, making the older man laugh as he adjusted them on the couch and that was where they fell asleep hours later after talking about everything running through both their minds.

_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

Jaren was the one to answer the door for Evan when someone knocked early the next morning. He didn’t register that they’d slept all day _and_ night, but Evan was moved a little under him, maybe he got up at some point? There stood a clearly frazzled John with a much more put together Fitz and Swagger behind him at the door, both looking more exasperated than anything with their younger friend. Evan texted them. Figures. Must’ve done it while he was in the kitchen making Jaren cocoa. He felt a bit bad though – he was still in yesterday’s clothes, clearly a mess, and John looked… Just as bad. _Your hair is all over the place,_ Jaren would say as he stepped forward, reached up to card fingers through soft bleached hair, watched heterochromatic eyes widen as he watched Smii7y fix his hair, smile nervously at him – a silent _I’m sorry_ for the worry he caused. And John just had to kiss that smile off his face.

_You build me up and then I fall apart_

They had to separate to let Cameron and Swagger past them, Jaren glancing back to see a sleep rumpled Evan slowly sitting up under the blanket on the couch, yawning as he offered to make coffee only for Cameron to apologize for their intrusion and step into the kitchen to make them all coffee himself. He caught Evan’s eye and smiled once more as John pressed his face against his neck, holding him tight against his chest. That was fair, Jaren had been absent for a good while because of his thoughts and dreams. He slept all through the day, the night, no dreams haunting him. He curled his fingers into John’s hair again, sighing against his shoulder as he melted. Maybe that soft warmth was all he needed to solve this – he needed _help_. He needed _John_. _Wherever there is you, I’ll be there too_ , John whispered against him, and Jaren nodded, uttered an agreement. He could do this. He’d get through this with _John_.

_Cause I’m only human._


End file.
